Summer is coming, and lots of women says they’re not ready. They thought they’re in shape, but according to the fitness assessment in some gym, their shape is a stop-sign – large, stationary and bright red.
They knew they should have been fitter before they went to the gym to checked out. It’s like cleaning up before the cleaners come; it doesn’t make sense, but it’s a bit less embarrassing.
You can now plan to start stage 14 of the get-fit-for-summer .
Stage 1 is persuading yourself it’s all hormonal and just “seasonal fat” Christmas dinner, Easter eggs, cold weather, water retention, the turning of the tides-all these are better explanations as to why your biggest fat pants are spitting at the seams.
Not that you ate too much and stayed on the sofa for the last three months.
Or that you have been stuffing your face with chocolate and counting walks to the Thai place across the road as exercise.
Oh no, it’s not your fault – it’s winter weight.
The first bit stage 2 is asking a partner or friend if you have put on a little weight.
The second bit is accusing them being shallow and heartless when they say that you have put on a little, but doesn’t everyone over winter and maybe you should get fit together?
Stage 3 involves locking yourself in the bathroom while crying and eating more chocolate. And then storming out to throw cleaning implements at your partner, shouting if they like skinny things so much then they can go out with the mop.
(Here’s also where you hurl allegations that they would rather be seeing skinnier people. Such as their ex, their co-workers, your co-workers, their friends, your ex, their family, their mother, random strangers on the street, the stoned guy who staffs the graveyard shift at the 7-eleven and anyone who is currently less porky than you.)
Stage 4 involves apologizing. A lot. Also picking up the things you threw.
Stage 5 involves drowning the pain in alcohol. A lot.
Stage 6 is hungover.
Stage 7 involves actually doing something about things and attempting to go to the gym occasionally, while still eating all that chocolate.
Stage 8 is being too busy to do the gym but deciding by switching to low-fat milk, you can cancel chocolate or better go for weight loss diet at all.
Stage 9 is giving up on the gym because it’s not working.
Stage 10 is realizing that you might need to do more than one gym session a week.
Stages 11 through to 13 repeat stages 2 to 4. This time you pretend throwing stuff at your partner and cleaning it up counts as a workout.
At stage 14 involves biting the bullet and genuinely trying to get into a healthier routine.